Must write...it is now 4:55am and my baby boy is not home. I truly feel horrible regret at this moment about how I tortured my own mother. This is the second time in 1 week and the 1000+thoughts that are running through my mind are pure hell. I knew deep in my gut that this would begin happening sometime. Why now? While the rest of my life is falling apart? Or at least is in such upheaval and a mess? Because it is all part of the "plan" right? Lord I just pray that he is ok, that he is unharmed and just passed out somewhere. An Alcoholic always gets drunk at the wrong time, how do I know? Cuz I did it for years. Causing my parents, family and friends immense pain and stress. Is he alcoholic? My gut told me he was long before this week and my gut has not been wrong yet. Social drinkers don't puke, blackout, piss themselves, skip out of school and not come home all night. Do they? Do they get drunk only 4 days later after the humiliation of the last one? My gut is twisted up into knots right now with all the 'what if's'. This journal is going to be about my life and my kid/s with no holds barred.
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