Calm, cool weekend

The weekend is over and nothing happened! With him. He stayed home most of the weekend and as sad as it is to say: I am glad that that little #$%$##@ has lost interest in him. As funny as he is drunk she seems to have moved on to sicker things. My sister was telling me she 'heard' that that little girl is into ecstacy and crack too. I told Jordan this and he said he's had lots of opportunities to try and and he 'will never do that'. I had to point out to him that he said he would never drink either! Well our trust is building again with each other and I just keep giving him more and more love. I know that Love is no cure for anything but I also know that it can help heal too. He wouldn't get up this morning as usual. I know that that is a perfectly normal teenage thing and even an adult thing. I have been having a hell of a time getting up myself these days due to not being able to sleep and maybe too because my Alby is not here who usually wakes me up each day.

Drama Mama

Yah that's me. Well my gut tells me he was up to something last night. He tried hard to stretch the new boundaries and rules that we established together. I did not give in! Yay for me! This is tough now that our 5 year honeymoon is over and reality sets in. Real life sets in and I have to be the 'Boss' around here. I don't like it particularily but I love him so I will accept and adjust to my job. I know that rebuilding trust with him is going to take time and because he just is who he is he is going to try hard to test me. However even after last night I can see how very much more he loves and respects me when I stand my ground and don't give into his every wish and desire.

Just trying to help!!

Okie Dokie, I had an appt. with Laura this morning and told what's new in my life and she gave me some numbers and ideas to help. So I just talked to AADAC about their PChad program. Scary is what the hell it is. I am very leary about going to those extreme lengths to stop my son from having a Hell life story to live. However as I sit here typing Jord just phoned and from a new number I don't know. Said he is just at the mall with his freind Chantel whom he's known for a long time. Hmmmm. Never heard of her. Sounded like a lie. He said he had to go cuz Chantel didn't have many minutes on her phone and that he would be home at 10:30pm!! Hahaha. I said no, you will be home for supper. He said ok i'll be home at 6:30pm and hung up. Funny isn't it that just last night we talked very clearly about his curfew being at 10:00pm on school nights no matter what and that I did not want to hear a single word or bribe or con job about it ever being different. He said 10:30 pm just now. My Lord I need your help and I need your arms to hold me tight right now because I feel like I am going to lose it. Talking to the AADAC lady Jennifer just minutes ago I told her that things were really not that bad right now and that I would have to wait and see. I mentioned to her that I was probably just being a freak and predicting his future when he may never do anything so drastic again. My gut is churning at this very second after the call from Jordan because he 'sounded' like he was up to something. Something like drinking or getting ready to go drinking or he would not have tried to pull off the 'I'll be home at 10:30' Scam. Ok. Ok. Don't get ahead of yourself here girl. Have some faith. In him and in God that God will keep his loving and protective arms around your baby and also that God is in my son's heart right now.

Government!!!!!

My father says we are related to Guy Fawkes. You know the guy that tried to blow up some parliment buildings in London or something like that? Well I feel my Fawkes side coming out strong right at this moment. Just spoke to Maintenance and there is steam literally coming out of my ears. They are now going to take my son's money and give it to another government department because they made a mistake in taking the money from the OTHER gov department and giving it to me. So pass the money back and forth between government departments when the entire purpose of the Maintenance department is to help parents raising a child alone out financially. So the child gets zip, never has gotten a penny of that money. His father pays the government for what? The departments getting his money have destroyed my son's life. The reason he cannot function in society. The reason I cannot go to work. The reason he has been tossed around from department to department and school to school. They have no idea what education level he is at even? He has not been to a normal school where they actually do school work and learn for over 4 years. What happened to the Canadian constitution and every human beings basic rights? To education, food, stability and equality? Oh yah, that is all one big pile of crap that looks good on parchement but means diddly squat in a real human beings life. Why? Because the government is allowed to lie, steal, and cheat without a single criminal charge or consequence. How? By passing the buck from department to department so the 'Real' human being in the middle of it is so frustrated and confused they have no choice but to shut up and give up.

Found him

Well I finally found him around 1:30pm yesterday. He was at some little girls house and even after I went to her door he/she/they still lied and said they didn't know where Jordan was. Well I lost it and told them all they had 5 minutes to produce my son or the cops were taking over for me. He walked in the door within 5 minutes. Denied drinking, said he simply just 'fell asleep' for the past 20 hours! lol Not funny. His face was all written on with some green stuff and he stunk like a brewery. The whole issue is this: Social drinkers; even teens just experimenting with booze do not not come home. Since he had such a humiliating experience just 4 days earlier with drinking most teens or even adults would not drink again at least for awhile. Alcoholic behaviour right from your first drunk is often an indication that you already have a problem whether you've had the opportunity to drink a lot or not. Well this time I am being stricter and not backing down on my consequences. Whether or not he chooses to drink has nothing to do with it. It is unacceptable that he did not come home and unacceptable that he skipped out of school. It will not be tolerated in my home. I know that this is his Journey and that I have absolutely no control over his drinking or not drinking. However, it is very hard and very painful on me to watch such destruction when I know firsthand the results.

Alcoholic or not?

Must write...it is now 4:55am and my baby boy is not home. I truly feel horrible regret at this moment about how I tortured my own mother. This is the second time in 1 week and the 1000+thoughts that are running through my mind are pure hell. I knew deep in my gut that this would begin happening sometime. Why now? While the rest of my life is falling apart? Or at least is in such upheaval and a mess? Because it is all part of the "plan" right? Lord I just pray that he is ok, that he is unharmed and just passed out somewhere. An Alcoholic always gets drunk at the wrong time, how do I know? Cuz I did it for years. Causing my parents, family and friends immense pain and stress. Is he alcoholic? My gut told me he was long before this week and my gut has not been wrong yet. Social drinkers don't puke, blackout, piss themselves, skip out of school and not come home all night. Do they? Do they get drunk only 4 days later after the humiliation of the last one? My gut is twisted up into knots right now with all the 'what if's'. This journal is going to be about my life and my kid/s with no holds barred.